Saturday found me, not unusually, afloat in the Atlantic. Yip, once again feet towards the Eastern Seaboard, and yip, once again my mind settled down to resolving the key issues of the day. Again Arsenal stuff, and in particular, winning the League. We finished a few points behind the eventual winners last term, and I wondered why. Sadly, this was not a soothing and relaxing meditation (and nothing to do with the Portugese Men’o’War in our waters), as I was forced to confront the one single obstacle on our route to the Title. The Bus.
Dealing with this terrible scenario is not a new topic on this site, but it remains an unresolved issue. Today Lads, we need to put the full weight of our cumulative thinking power together.
Naturally I have unearthed a couple of more unusual solutions, although a powerful case could be found to support them as serious contenders.
1. The Pyrrhic Victory.
The biggest problem is how to create some space. How to draw the little snakes out. Right, let’s say we kick off. The brilliant simplicity is that we do very little. Step one is to hoof the ball high and long towards their keeper. Whilst the ball is still in flight, we retreat, en masse, to the edge of our box and there we stay. At this point, the opposition are in possession and will have no option but to open the depot doors and ease the bus gently forwards.
In the unlikely event that they abandon altogether their beastly tactic, we could begin the process of reconciliation by implementing The Semi-Pyrrhic. Some may leap to the conclusion that this involves adopting The Maureen and depositing a lone centre forward up field. I suggest leaving two speed merchants “up”. Not together central, but each stationed chalk-on-boots wide.
Leaving Theo and Ox up-and-wide will cause panic and confusion. Pointless for them to leave their tried and tested central defensive oafs behind, as they will require the speed of their full backs to counter the lightening threat. Brilliant, leaving two up, now requires them leaving four behind, thus creating more space for us.
2. The Assault.
The Assault reveals the more ruthless and less tolerant side of me. It assumes that The Pyrrhic has failed, and our Northeners have looked into the distance from within the Depot, and said: “No. We shall not advance. We care not for the win bonus. We shall be happy here for the afternoon”. This attitude would leave me no option than to call up Plan 2, The Assault.
Now picture this. For the moment you are Michael Caine. There is a large locked door in front of you, behind which lurks many large gold bars, and you have no key. What d’ya do? That’s it, blow the bloody things open.
Ok, with that in mind, here’s my Plan. We position our forces in and around the Northerner’s already packed penalty area. With two exceptions. Our hardest kickers. Verm and Pod. These two are stationed 10 yards back from their area and 10 yards apart. The advanced forces do not try and football their way through, or around, the Busmen. No. They pass back, every single time, to an already up to speed advancing kicker who rifles the ball, full power howitzer strength bollock height into the area. The casualty rate will be high. Yes corners will be won and goal kicks awarded as the ball cannons off and ricochets around Northeners. There shall be much blood and chaos but the bombardment must be continuous until no Drivers stand. We then freely add +’s to Rasp’s GD Widget.
These are my two solutions, and although yours will not be so clever, I’d love to hear them.
Apologies in advance to SilentStan and Buddhist Steve. This was not written with you in mind.
Written by MickyDidIt